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What came first, the music or the misery? Did I listen to music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to music? Do all those records turn you into a melancholy person?
People worry about kids playing with guns, and teenagers watching violent videos; we are scared that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands, of songs about broken hearts and rejection and pain and misery and loss. The unhappiest people I know, romantically speaking, are the ones who like pop music the most; and I don't know whether pop music has caused this unhappiness, but I do know that they've been listening to the sad songs longer than they've been living the unhappy lives. - Nick Hornby, High Fidelity
An excerpt from a book that i just finished reading. I just thought it was something nice to put, especially with the previous entry. I quite enjoyed this book. It's just cynically hopeful and romantic - the kind i like best! And the pages are full of quotable lines. Yes, this is what I'm doing instead of studying for my final final exam worth 60% of my grade that's worth 5 units. Plus it is an essential for any aspiring litigator. Hahahaha.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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Tuesday, March 22nd, 2011
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Why was it necessary to create the feeling of loneliness when the human condition is that of loneliness already?
why must I be a person of convenience even when it comes to liking someone to the point that I haven't grown out of the "out of sight, out of mind" phase of development? It's so troublesome because I rarely see the person I like who is single and now I'm often together with the person I'm beginning to like who is taken. And this taken girl is so nice and sweet and caring and touchy... GRAWR!
I just need an outlet. At first I started with manga and sad sappy love songs. They just made things worse. Hahahaha.
Well actually the real reason is that I haven't posted in a while and I think this is a pretty good post to sum up my mood the past few days/weeks.
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Wednesday, February 23rd, 2011
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Jessup 2011 is finally over. The biggest mistake of my life turned out to be a not so big mistake though a mistake nonetheless. We reached the finals which isn't such a big feat given that there were only four teams. I'm just glad we put up a good fight against Ateneo, rocked doing it, and almost won. Mehehe.
Plus having a former chief justice say that the oralists were like the best counsels that appear before the Supreme Court. Though I suppose that was more bola than anything else. Then there are all the fans and supporters from Cebu which really really is great. I think we made UP proud.
And now back to my normal life of studying and trying to get spectacular grades. Ho ho ho
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Friday, October 29th, 2010
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Spending semestral breaks (or any kind of break for that matter) in school has always been pleasant for me. Most students would probably choose dying over going to school during their break - and I'm sure I'm not exaggerating. I on the other hand, find the whole experience to be soothing. I think this started in high school and was carried over to college and it has been this way up to now. In fact as I'm typing this now I'm sitting in one of the many comfortable nooks and corners of Malcolm Hall.
I think the reason is the difference in atmosphere. First there is the absence of the boisterous banter of students as they discuss their lessons with much enthusiasm, horse around and act like children to forget their daily miseries, mock their professors as a form of release, and declaim their anguish and despair as they fight this uphill battle for survival. Even the relatively somber corridors of Malcolm attain a heightened form of solace. Like a place preserved in time. Walking through its hallways gives me a sense of history and pride that I don’t feel during the semester. I’m able to relish the feeling that I’m a student of this institution with a distinctive history (emphasis on the word history).
Another reason why I love the place is that there are no professors! Okay, fine, that’s not exactly true. As those of you who stay during the break know, professors are the one thing you’ll find in a college during the break. At least they’re not out to terrorize me and prove me ignorant, lazy, and stupid during the break. Why? Because they too are tired of being with students after a semester - that and they’re too busy cramming their checking and grade submissions.
Also, I get to have a monopoly over the law library! MWAHAHAHA. Well, there are other people but there’s like a smorgasbord of choice seats, choice books, and choice computer stations.
There are many other reasons I’m sure but I can’t think of them right now…
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Wednesday, October 20th, 2010
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Today I realized how difficult it is to be a prof. Well it was a partial taste, a sort of sip from a punch bowl, but poignant none the less. Since I was volunteered as class "president" (aka the teacher's utusan) it was also my responsibility to audit the grades before the professor submits them to the College Secretary. I started at about 11:30 and finished at a little past 3:00pm. That's 3.5 hours of going through each quiz, recit card, and final exam to check if the summation of scores was correct.
While recomputing the grades of my classmates, I was also bombarded by text messages, calls, IMs, and emails. DO YOU KNOW HOW STRESSFUL THAT IS? In the middle of computing, my phone would vibrate, distracting me and making me lose count. And then if there's a discrepancy you have to check and check all over again so that you know you saw things right and your professor is the one in the wrong. And then there's the unavoidable moral dilemma moment that comes with these fiduciary tasks. My professor made an error and gave a higher score than the actual one. The point difference was substantial enough to lower him one step. Sometimes I question my principles about truth being an absolute. Well, the choice was made easier by the fact that in another grade component my professor made a mistake and gave him substantially less than he deserved. End result: no change of grade = no moral dilemma.
Why am I bitching about this? Other than the fact that it really is bitch fit worthy to any person who supposedly should be on sembreak, it's because one of my classmates told me that, at the risk of getting a lower grade, she was coming forward to admit that there was a mistake in the computation of her grade. I told her there was none and that the grade I announced was the corrected one but the computation was the old one. She then posts her status on FB saying... "I did the right thing at the risk of losing... and came out a winner. God truly rewards those who do what is right no matter what. :) Thank you, Lord."
THAT IS ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT! Who do you think was checking everyone's grades and doing all the above mentioned activities? Doesn't that count as doing good? And what did I get? Stress during my sembreak, a headache, 3.5 hours of my life lost, and a missed opportunity to go to work today and earn some money. Did anyone even so much as thank me? Nope, none, nada. Doing the right thing does not have any pecuniary value. It will not be rewarded by something else - at least not something earthly like a grade. Even God knows that. Let us not delude ourselves into thinking that doing the right thing will help us move forward in this world. More often than not it will not. Perpetuating this naive and juvenile fantasy that doing the right thing will be rewarded only leads to disappointment. It terms of economic and psychological incentives, making people believe in that system will make less people do good in the long run. Being disappointed will make them think that doing good is not worth it at all. Although I've been bitching all this time, that is not what I am actually saying.
The truth is doing good is its own reward. To say otherwise would be living in a state of denial. It is the act of risking being a loser that makes you a winner. Regardless of how things turned out, you would have been a winner anyway despite getting a lower grade. Getting the grade that you deserve doesn't make you a loser. And God's reward? It is not the grade that you deserve or anything else you get in this world after doing something good. God's reward for your goodness is probably something more profound than anything you and I could ever imagine.
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Friday, October 15th, 2010
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There are times when I feel like something is eating me up inside but I don't know what. Like I want something to the point of needing it and yet not knowing what it is. And you try to feed it food, or fun, or entertainment, or knowledge, or success, but it is insatiable. Then again perhaps not insatiable. Rather, nothing I do is every enough for it. It's so frustrating to not know what to do with it and you're stuck with it. I don't think it's depression though. Maybe I'm just lonely.
It's not like I don't have law school friends - it's just that I'm not always with them and neither do I have time. Though I suppose it's more accurate to say that they're the ones who don't have time since I'm still not the most diligent student. I need to get a life...
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Comments: Read 4 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, October 4th, 2010
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I am so loving Verse of the Day~! It's become an almost daily habit of mine to check it out. It's just too bad that with the advent of finals I don't have time to check the original text from where the portions are lifted from. Today's verse was especially meaningful to me which is why I just had to make an entry despite finals week. That and I want to procrastinate.
Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth (Proverbs 27:1).
It does not auger well for one being subjected to the anxieties and uncertainties that come with capricious and spontaneous professors who always find ways to torment their students. Just kidding! I suppose its a warning to take things one day at a time and at the same time to make the best possible use of the time remaining. At the same time it makes me think: you'll never have studied enough. God will be there for me. I know God will. All I need to do now is hope, believe, and find the sense in what shall come.
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Saturday, October 2nd, 2010
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"Tatanggapin mo ba ang $10 billion pero mamamatay ka after 10 years?"
A random question I heard being asked in the library's computer room a few weeks back. It seems that at the time, I was as bored as they were. Hahaha.
A person who accepts such a proposal is one of four things:
1. dying
2. old
3. foolish
4. virtuous
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Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010
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There's a rainbow always after the rain.
The night will soon give way to the dawn.
We've repeatedly heard some variation of either in our relatively short lives during the many turbulent times we've experienced. Although they may be trite, they are at times the only thing we need to hear. The problem is that we as either giver or recipient have never sufficiently thought their meanings through vis-a-vis the reality on which they are based on.
Let us take for example the rainbow. Oh yes, rainbows are very pretty and are a delight to see (especially since I rarely see any these days). Yet as we've learned in high school, rainbows require two things. First, the onlooker must be in a place where there is sunlight and no rain. Second, there must be a nearby place being showered by rain. Without the second, there will be no rainbow to see. There you have it. For any little child, even the ones inside of us, to delight in their rainbow, another little child somewhere must not only be deprived of it but must also be trapped in the house because of rain. Come to think of it, "there's a rainbow always after the rain" may not be so trite after all. Given what I've said it actually means "the rain pouring on you will surely transfer to some other schmuck soon enough." It's a message I find altogether more refreshing than the South Border line.
The second phrase is even better: "the night will soon give way to the dawn." Not only is it subject to the same subconscious schadenfreude, it is also a very dumb thing to say. As something we've also learned as early as grade school, the existence of day and night rely on the earth's rotation. At any single point in time, half of the earth is bathed in sunlight while the other is hidden from it. Again we have the same situation as in our figurative rainbow. So it actually means "the night you're experiencing now will surely transfer to some other schmuck soon enough." Unlike the rainbow though, the coming dawn also means that dusk is lurking just a few hours away. So a more accurate translation would be "the night you're experiencing now will surely transfer to some other schmuck soon enough, except that after that it will come back to you - schmuck."
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Thursday, September 9th, 2010
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It seems something in Malcolm is seeping into my skin and spreading throughout my body. As the platitude goes: change is the only constant thing. The question is whether I’m growing or regressing; whether it’s poison or panacea; and some other permutation of it. I'm not quite sure. All I know is that for the first time in my life I'm feeling self-righteous. I've written about this before but this time it's been confirmed. Some people from other blocks feel that my constant nodding and glances at the person reciting are derrogatory. I can't blame them, I probably do have a condescending look. In my defense though, I can't really help it. It has become involuntary on my part to react to each recitation. I'm not even aware of the reactions I give out anymore - which is dangerous. And also in my defense, their recitations are probably horrible. If that isn't bad enough, at times I even think to myself "why is this person wasting my time?" It's horrible! I'm becoming someone I hate.
I think it's the effect of studying like I've never studied before. The personal record breaking amount of studying I've been doing is affecting how I look at things. I've always thought of my self as a lousy and lazy student - and I was. Because I was lousy and lazy my personal standards were very low and those were the same set of standards I've been using to measure other people. However now that I've improved by becoming more industrious the level of my performance has increased and so the standards I use on other people are much higher than before. In addition, my improved performance is still much lower than the effort other people excert which means I'm still a relatively lousy student. So in my mind I still suck and anyone worse off than I am is really doing horribly. I don't know. I feel confused.
The problem with the way I see things now is that I seem to be disregarding the personal circumstances of other people. It is quite possible that that person just had a really bad day or just recently became burned out. Though I don't think that's the case with me. After all, although I am irritated at bad recits, I don't judge the person reciting. I just judge the recit. It has never been personal with me except for those relatively few people who consistently perform horribly. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Who is this person writing this entry?
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Thursday, September 2nd, 2010
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I added the group ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif?v=92.2) greatpoets to my friends list the other day... only to realize what a big mistake it was today when I opened my friend's page. My eyes were flooded by a sea of text that I was not in the mood for. Don't get me wrong; I love poems! They're the only literary form suitable for my attention span. However I have poem days and moments and I don't want to read poems 24/7. Today was such a day. So the moment I realized I couldn't see any of my friend's updates on my friend's page it was without hesitation that I removed them from my friend's list. I have however bookmarked them for future reference when I will be in the mood for sweet words, wonderful imagery, catharsis, and life reflections. Until then I'll be content with my good ol' normal friend's page.
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Friday, August 27th, 2010
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Today as I was taking my bi-hourly bathroom trip I noticed something out of place in the 2nd flr cr of Malcolm Hall - there was a couch! I've always been somewhat envious of the girl's toilet because they had this lobby-esque place and now that we have a couch in our toilet, it doesn't live up to my dream. Maybe it wasn't just the lobby-esque place that I wanted but the whole girl's cr feel - at least how it feels from outside. I imagine it to be a clean nice-smelling place that you'd actually want to stay a while in (please correct me if I'm wrong). No only will the couch do no good because the stench and wet floors will still be there, it will also stick out and be out of place. Oddly enough, this certain couch was not out of place. It had that old moldy god knows what has seeped into the fabric kind of look. Well at least it adds to the ambiance; which isn't really a good thing is it?
I wonder who put it there and what the hell they were thinking. I wish they got rid of the stench first and also found out where the hell the water on the floor comes from.
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Sunday, August 22nd, 2010
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Then I was young and unafraid
And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
I've always loved this song since I first heard it on my dad's Les Mis CD when I was still in Elementary. In fact, I loved it so much (the song as well as the whole album) that I kept my dad's album for myself; it's still with me now. I was channel surfing when I saw Rachel and Maurine (from rent) performing the song on Glee. Then I said to myself "I've always loved this song but it doesn't quite fit me or does it... blog entry na toh!"
And so here we are. Me loving the song and the lyrics, knowing what it means, but never in my life have I quite understood it. What songs have I sung? What wines have I tasted? Most importantly - what dreams have I dreamed? I feel as if I've asked this to myself so many times before and the answer still hasn't changed. I've been young; I still am; and I'll always be childish; but I've not enjoyed my youth enough to be able to feel the song's true pain and anguish. And which is sadder: to have everything you've wanted in just one moment and just as quickly lose it all, or to never have any of it at all? Is it really better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all?
I wouldn't know - at least not yet. I happen to think that I'm still young and well capable of drinking wine and singing songs. Though if any of you have an answer, feel free to enlighten me.
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Friday, August 20th, 2010
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We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'.
— Shall We Dance
Never expect to outgrow loneliness. Never hope to find people who will understand you, someone to fill that space. And intelligent, sensitive person is the exception, the very great exception. If you expect to find people who will understand you, you will grow murderous with disappointment. The best you'll ever do is to understand yourself, know what it is that you want, and not let the cattle stand in your way.
— Janet Fitch, White Oleander
Is it human nature to marvel at an evening sky that's half dead? Does our transience prevent us from knowing better?
I suppose I'm much more foolish than most people though. A dead star still has its light to show for but a gray sleeping smiley is useless. Nonetheless I still always go online to check if at least one is yellow and smiling back at me. And even if there are none, I'll leave it lying there until I hear that familiar ding. It often never comes though.
I've chosen my path and am following it. They've chosen their paths too. We all have, and we must walk them - ultimately - alone. By this I mean that only we will experience what we experience and everything that happens in our lives is personal. Only we are there for us all of the time. And only we sense and feel what we sense and feel. Two people will never have the same version of the same event, what more a life time? Nonetheless we try our hardest to have someone watch us and to watch someone else other than ourselves. Sometimes we try too hard and we forget that loneliness is the human condition. When we forget and when there is nobody to watch and nobody to watch you, what then do you do?
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Tuesday, August 17th, 2010
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Sometimes I feel our lives move in cycles, it's just the same thing over and over again only harder and more complicated. Oh wait - that's only because I'm still in school! This whole seasonal tests thing is really getting tiring. I'm very relieved it's over and I can go back to my old routine. On second thought, I'm actually not so excited to go back to my old routine. I need to break it a little. I'm tired of feeling like I haven't graduated college yet. Unfortunately my energy level and attention span can't take having to juggle a job together with my studies and excessive leisure time. What's a guy to do?
Also because of ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.2) ihaveblueshoes's recent post... I'll post my favorite love quote too. Well favorites since I can't quite pick.
Love seeketh not self to please
Nor for itself hath any care
But for another gives it ease
And builds a heaven in hell's despair
- A Clod and a Pebble, William Blake
[Love is] momentary as a sound,
as swift as a shadow, as short as any dream.
Like lightning in the collied night,
that, in a spleen, unfolds both heaven and earth.
And 'ere a man hath any power to say "behold!"
the jaws of darkness do devour upon it.
How quick bright things come to confusion.
- A Midsummer Night's Dream, Shakespeare
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Wednesday, August 11th, 2010
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The absence of a domestic internet connection sucks. The pretender in me wants to say that it's because it has debilitated my capacity to study because of the limited access to vital legal information. But anyone who has been through the same situation for a prolonged period of time would know that it's conducive for studying because of the decrease in possible distractions. Rather, it sucks because of the LJ neglect that coincides with it. FB I can forego but it just doesn't feel right not writing on LJ at least once a month. It's my aspiring-writer's urges at work. As EB White says: it's the seductive click and flow of a word processor.
Now that I do have internet again, it seems I'm at a loss as to what to write about except for one thing: I am so loving the mister donut duet donuts, the choco-strawberry and the red velvet make for a deeply satisfying P10 fix. I've tasted the red velvet donut before out of curiosity and got hooked. The choco-strawberry I've only been able to try this Monday in the oddest of circumstances. As it was a Monday, I had just received my allowance for the week and had no change with me. In my hurry to go home I did not care much that I didn't have change since I would be passing by several stores. A person who wasn't in a hurry would have realized that since it was Monday, everyone didn't have change. A kilometer walk and several stores after departing from law, I was already in Central with only a P500 peso bill on me. I didn't want to spend on a cab so I walked along commonwealth to the nearest supermarket to withdraw money from an ATM. Fearing that P100 was still too big a bill I had to break it down some more, and that was when I saw the Mister Donut stall and heard the P10 peso goodness that is a mister donut duet call out to me.
In retrospect, maybe it was because I was tired that the donut tasted so good...
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Just the other day I encountered the oddest expression. It is not often that I am taken aback by the words of others; but the phrase, the utterer, and the circumstances made it inevitable. More or less that day was supposed to be light. I had read the materials in advance and the assignment for labor was light. I did not, nor any of my classmates, expect what happened that day: we had a quiz for labor. Like a midnight bombing, we only felt shock and awe - in the beginning that is. And as unforeseen disasters often do, we were left with the bitterness of despair and helplesness which we carried over to our next class: Property.
Because we finished early for Labor (since we couldn't answer most of the questions) we arrived early for Property. We had more time than usual to banter around the room. A certain blockmate of mine from first year, whom I've rarely interacted with, is my classmate for Property. We were talking about the labor quiz and how it sucked (like a veteran homo) and then she asked me about the coverage for that day's Property class. I told her that it was until this certain case: an entire section past where she studied. And then the expression, without warning (just like the labor quiz), reveals itself to me and leaves me in silence. She says, in a tone that I often associate with "oh shit" or "oh fuck,"
"Fuck me!"
WHO THE HELL SAYS THAT?! How are you supposed to respond to that? I mean, what the hell?!
I understand that being in law messess with your head and all, and the surprise quiz plus finding out that you didn't read far enough would be enough to make people say crazy things, but I doubt that "fuck me" is one of them. As mundane as most of my days in Malcom are, there are these really mad moments from time to time.
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Today was supposed to be a day of fun together with my only better friends who are still in the country - namely Edgie and Juanchi. Unfortunately something came up and the trip got canceled. This, I fear, might be the last chance that I could have to go out with them at the same time. That would have been so much fun for all of us - except that it would be more fun for them because they get a chance to gang up and bully me. So instead of spending a fun day with them outside Quezon City, I spent my morning lying in bed and my afternoon studying in the Law student lounge (as well as sleeping there too until kuya guard woke me up because he had to close for the day).
Thankfully Em, my college blockmate, texted me a few minutes after I woke up and invited me to eat in one of the restos along Maginhawa street. We met up in katip, took a cab there and ate at Cucina Juan. It's this central american kuno resto near Ministop. Antagal nila magluto - can I just say. We ordered the pork ribs and fish in mozarella. The wait was not worth it for the pork ribs though the portions were good for a very hungry man. Now the fish in mozarella is a different story. It was great! Imagine a fillet of fish (not the breaded kind you people with no passion for food!) bathed in butter and covered in mozarella then baked. Definitely worth it.
After that we walked for a bit to eat Friuli's icecream cake only to find out that they're closed until June 16. So Em being the drunkard that she is suggested we go to Tomatokick to have a pitcher of alcohol as our dessert. It's a good thing that Coffeeway is placed before Tomatokick so we decided to just have coffee and sweets instead. The cafe is really a hole in the wall, and the "al fresco" area's smell justifies the title. Their desserts though will make you forget about where you are. That choco banana thingy that was like a mango float except it was choco banana was so nice especially because it was only fifty five pesos.
Getting to see a friend is really great. Speaking of friends, my friends page is now really dead. Shet ampangit nung transition. He he he. Should I move too? Nah. I've been with LJ for so long and I don't have a new blog concept I want to try out so I'll stick with this one for a while longer. It's goodbye for now then. 'til next time.
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Yesterday was freshman orientation day for the college of law. Once again I volunteered to help out - once again I didn't regret doing so. While I was walking to Central Ave from Malcolm Hall I was relishing the happy tired feeling I haven't felt in a long time. Finishing your final exams is nothing compared to the joy of guiding someone/taking care of them. I really do want to become a dad real bad real soon. Hahaha.
In other news my trip to a museum with edgie and juanchi has once again been canceled. Is there a curse on me or something? WHY?! This was my last chance to go out with the two for an entire day. Hay nako leche...
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A spectre with a slender silhouette made a visit in my dream. She was wearing a dress that hugged her chest tightly but flowed freely as it reached down to her legs. A dress sewn from the memory of Valentine eve. As I try to recall it now, it seems like the dress was made of satin. Though I could be mistaken. Perhaps it was not the dress but the dream that was silky - as if the stuff were hugging my body.
She was a counterpoint from the depression I was feeling within my dream. She touched me with her fingers and I began to feel my body pulse. The atmosphere became warm in an instant. She spoke to me of the past and inquired about the present. Then this ghost offered me a future in a place where I could touch the clouds. A place I have long fancied in my fantasies. I siezed the invitation like a sea-stranded man licks the morning dew on his raft. The dream ended there.
Why did she visit? At the very least it was to tempt me with her touch. Maybe she wished to pour pity on my impoverished senses. Possibly, she fed my dying folly with an untasted pleasure. But a visit from a spirit is hardly ever good. I fear it wishes to make me waver in my resolution by making me drink a drugged draught made with a dash of deceit and a portion of pain.
There is nothing for you to gain my spirit but the unrequited fondness I've had these past five years. Need you be cruel to me too? Am I no different from the one that came before me? I'd much rather have you despise me then try to keep me where I am. I am tired of dellusions.
You seduce like a whisper. You are soft and light, yet intimate and sensual. Though ethereal; you leave me etherized. For this I am thankful because a whisper mutes no words between those engaged in the act. The intimacy amplifies the message tenfold. The sensation is simply the chorus, the protagonists of the play are the whispered phrases. The physical feelings are forgotten as the words rush past your ear and crash straight into your heart.
What then was whispered to me by your coming? That I've been foolish for far too long. That enough is enough. I hope that this is now the final episode - at least for a very long time. Goodbye my silk and satin spirit.
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